It was something that I never thought about when we were trying to conceive our second child, that my first would no longer be my only baby. It didn’t occur to me that I would be facing a good-bye by welcoming another child into the world. It wasn’t until someone shared a blog post that showed up on my Facebook wall, and since then I’ve been broken.
I’m broken, torn, excited, anxious…I’m a lot of things. And pregnancy hormones are going full force as I am nearing my due date, so everything is making me cry. This includes the episodes of Daniel Tiger when his family expands and he meets new baby sister.
How do other moms deal with this? How do you say good-bye to being the mom of just your first baby?
I find myself looking for extra snuggles, extra kisses, extra everything. I lay in bed with him for a half hour after he has fallen asleep, just watching him and his innocence, feeling my heart fill with love for him. I am so excited to watch him grow, to become a big brother, a thoughtful and caring individual. I can already see the sensitivity he carries with him, the concern he has for others. Though at the same time, I wish he could stay young. I know the days will come too soon where mom will not be cool. He will be embarrassed of my crazy faces and silly dance moves. He won’t want or need to hold my hand. Eventually he will grow old enough to move out and begin to navigate his own journey in the world. Those days will come and I will long for him to be young once again. A young small boy who just wants to give his mom a quick hug and kiss while playing for no reason other than he loves her.
These days will come, and more.
Maybe I feel like I am speeding up the time, forcing my son to no longer be my baby by bringing another baby into the family. What if he isn’t ready? This isn’t a choice he gets to make and it’s going to affect the rest of his life. While I am so excited to meet our new child face-to-face, I am scared to let go of being the mother of one. I am nervous for the future. I remember that first day, the first time I held my son, and looked in his eyes. The love, oh the love. The intense rush of oxytocin fueled love. The deepness and longevity of that love. I never knew this love existed until I had him…and I’m going to experience it again, with another child.
I’ve been told I’ll be amazed by what my heart can hold. I hope my heart can handle it.